The Day My Daughter Didn't Need Me

Well, it happened.

She went off to kindergarten.

My baby girl is a baby no more, and she was definitely ready. My daughter’s birthday is in late spring but it never crossed my mind to hold her back another year.

Academically, socially and athletically, my birdie was ready to leave the nest.

How did it go?

She had a blast. Fortunately she had previously known her teacher some and met a couple of her classmates prior to starting school, so she was really excited. She didn’t seem nervous at all.

For her, it was just another day.

For me, sigh… it was not.

Little Miss Independent wouldn’t let me walk her to her classroom on her first day, citing that she wanted her big brother to do it instead.  I never even left the drop off lane in the parking lot. She and her brother excitedly bounced out of the car, cheerily walked into their elementary school together, and disappeared.

She must have arrived at her classroom intact. In fact, I’m certain she did; from what another lucky, wanted parent told me, her big brother did great walking his lil’ sis to her classroom, giving her a big hug, and then wishing her a good day.

Oh, but it was a long day for this mama. My little girl was on my mind constantly, and my cheeks often dripped with salty sadness when I thought of her.

But the day went on.

When I picked her up from school, she was a ball of fire, exploding with happiness and stories of how much fun her first day was. The kids she played with, the snacks she ate, the books her teacher read… everything was the most fun she had ever had.

I displayed a big ole smile, raised the pitch of my voice, nodded with exaggeration, but I continued to fight back those tears I had been wiping away all day.

I truly am so happy her day went well.

But, mine did not.

I have some serious guilt. I have been holding back the admission of a horrible little secret since that day. Here it goes… There was a tiny little part of me that wanted her to have a bad day. (Oh the catharsis, you have no idea!)

Ahhhhh!? I know, right? I’m a horrible mom.

But I wanted her to need me. I wanted her to miss me. I wanted the school to call me and tell me that I must stop up there, just for a minute, and give my little girl a quick hug a few words of motherly wisdom.

But the truth was that she had had such a great day... that she didn’t need me.

This past week of my daughter going to school has been really hard. She is having a wonderful time without me.

Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled she is having such a magnificent experience in school.

I just wasn’t ready for the day when she didn’t need me anymore.